mems_tralala's Xanga

Friday, May 04, 2007

Fri, 04 May 2007 07:37:59 GMT

A Rant on the

Mystery we call

Love

I am about to write something about the immense, somewhat drugging force we all recognize and know as love.

*heaves a heavy sigh*

I know that a lot of you consider writing anything that pertains to love as a sickening cliche'. However, it must be accepted that it's inevitable for a person not to rant or rave about it because love--as cheesy as this may sound--is at the center of everything.

You see, I am in a predicament. For someone who has read and watched almost a hundred love stories that impart valuable insights as to the truth of love, I still find myself committing god-awful mistakes that lead to countless, mortifying moments where I have hurt the person that I love most.

Some things are TRULY easier said than done.

Fighting is normal. Pfft. I know that! It's supposed to exist in relationship to make it grow. While I'm in the middle of a heated argument with my boyfriend, in my head, I'm going through all of the things I've learned about love and relationships. Forgive. Listen. Be the bigger person. Be selfless. Understand. But, man, in reality, when you're in a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/spouse, you usually forget all logic and rationality. No matter how many times you tell yourself to be cool and to do exactly what must be done in order to communicate effectively, you do exactly the opposite! Why is that?

And let me ask you another question: Why is it sometimes so hard to soften up and yield to the person you love when he/she has already apologized or more significantly, said I love you?

Isn't it that with love, you don't have to say you're sorry? Because love understands? (omg, such cringe-worthy cheesiness)

I know that this doesn't apply to everyone. But personally, it's a big problem that I've come to identify within myself when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. I always hurt him because it takes me so long to forgive him. Whenever he's trying his best to make things better and to appease me, I become such a bitch and say hurtful things even though in my head I'm going, 'Enough! he's sorry already! *swatslapkick* Shut up already and hug him!' It's like my body isn't doing what it's being told... It's effin' insane, man.

What IS up with that? Do I like hurting him? It's insanely horrifying... Because, I know that I really, really love him.

I am so friggin' frustrated. Love is something I still cannot comprehend completely... and yet, here I am saying that I love someone.

OMG... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... my fingers won't stop typing... I must stop... stop... stop now... effin' fingers still typing effin' nonsense....

Ok. This ABRUPTLY ends now.

Blah.

Thu, 03 May 2007 15:57:54 GMT

Oh dear...

It's been that long since my last blog?

Well... I do feel the need to rant... but I'm so effin' tired that I can't think straight. Maybe tomorrow....

*returns to fetal position*

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:29:06 GMT

I think my wound is lucky (I have a nasty deep scratch on my left knee which is a product of a basketball game last, last Sunday). You know why? I played a whole lot better during yesterday's scrimmage game against AB. Which I think is way fabulous due to the fact that I've been feeling a bit blah about basketball. Because of that game (we lost by 3 points though), my whole persepective on being on this team sort of changed... Especially since I've been weighed down by tension caused by my relationship with some of (or is it most?) the team members.

I'm not in the mood to expound on my basketball experiences just yet. It gets me all worked up and upset. Well. Come to think of it... I don't think I get upset over it anymore. Just worked up. Hm. Yeah, worked up is right.

Anyway.

School started yesterday too. And with a pffffffft did it start. It was dreary. And man, the humidity level was off the scale. To make things worse, we went to school at 7AM, waited for our clinical intructor for an hour and a half, played hide and seek with our clinical instructor for a half hour more, and then had a CHN introduction from our infamous clinical intructor for another hour. We thought it would end there but nooooo. We had to go for our courtesy call at the Health District Office at 1pm followed by our area orientation at the Dimasalang Health Center. I mean, normally, I would not be pissed over this, but they told us to go to school at 7AM when we could've just seen each other's happy faces at 1. I mean, we are still adjusting from our altered biological clocks during the semestral break. They should've cut us some slack....

Finally, when the clock struck one, we did our required thing. Perfect timing too 'coz 1-3pm is when the Philippine sun is at it's sunniest, brightest and hottest. We rode a jeepney, walked what feels like a mile, sat in a crowded, stuffy room just to listen to an absolutely horrendous and dull discussion pertaining to District 3's population, rode another jeepney, sat inside a stuffy health center and got oriented with its workings, vision, mission and so on... IT WAS BAD. Things wouldn't have been as excruciatingly horrible if the heat was reduced by 3-5 degrees or so.

I am ranting.

This is my blog and I have the right to say whatever I want.

*poooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt*

You know? I am completely grateful that my second day of school (today, that is) is a whole lot better. I mean, yeah, I'm still tired as hell after but this time we got to do what we paid over 45K to do--TO LEARN and to GAIN EXPERIENCE. We finally got a taste of proper community health nursing. I mean, we've done that before but not we were not as involved in the duties as we were today. We were totally independent from the staff nurses due to the fact that we were up against almost a hundred people in one morning. We did the admitting, the assessing, the cooing over cute baby patients, vaccinating, the whole enchillada. It was fun. We've been more exposed to ward duty and specialized areas like the delivery room and operating room that's why we found public health service refreshing. The noise, the hustle and bustle of irrate, impatient and unreasonable citizens of the economy class tried us to our limits--but as what our clinical instructor advised us, smile (through clenched teeth if you must) and be understanding.

I'm beat. All this typing is giving me a migraine.

boredom, heat, friends

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 02:16:47 GMT

boredom,

heat,

friends

The other day, I spent an entire day moping about in my room. I was cranky, bored and goddamnit! It was hot as hell!!! I had two electric fans facing me at full blast while religiously fanning myself with a Gundam Wing collector's 8X11 picture card. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that in the afternoon, Josh will come by and keep me company. But alas, after countless of unanswered text messages, I gave the almost-in-trouble guy a call.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings. (I was already frowning by this time)

*coughcough* "Hello?"

"Josh??" (high-pitched voice)

"Hi babe.." *sniff*

"How come you weren't texting me?"

"I just woke up... your ringtone woke me up.."

"..You're still coming over right?" (concerned voice)

*coughcough* "I will..."

"You sound like shit though.."

*choked laugh* "Yeah, I do. I think I caught whatever it is JP has... that bastard."

"If you're sick you're staying home."

"....."

"Jose?"

"I was going to argue with you and say,'Noooo I'm coming over no matter what' but shit, I really feel bad, babe... How about I take a nap and then I come over?"

"How about you take a nap, wake up, reflect if you still feel sick, and if yes, you keep your ass on that bed?"

*coughcough* "Can't argue with that.."

"Haha Ok... I'm almost out of load. You sleep ok?"

I hung up after we exchanged our mushy endearments. Haha I'm embarassed to type that down.

ANYWAY.

I was screwed. It seemed that I was destined to spend a boring, hot day all by myself. But then, I had a fantastic idea. I gathered tons of books I haven't read (I didn't have time to catch up on my reading the entire year), dumped the lot on my bed and proceeded to engross myself in literature. To make everything perfect, I grabbed lots of cookies and placed them conveniently by my side.

After 10 pages...

"Taena... ang init!!!"

I was about to throw a fit out of sheer frustration when I noticed that my phone was vibrating. My phone's on vibrate mode? (Josh' voice in my head: "Babe.. you always leave your phone on vibrate mode even though you're done commuting and stuff. No wonder you reply late to everyone.") Sheepishly, I opened my inbox and checked out the 4 unread messages. They were from Gian and Tien Po.

I read Tien Po's first which said: "Dude, call my house ASAP."

Weird. I grabbed the cordless phone, dialled his number and waited for someone to answer it.

*noisy background* "Hello?"

"Hello, good afternoon, may I please speak with JR?"

*giggling and shhhh-ing in the background* "Who's on the line?"

"It's Mela.."

*chorus of 'Melaaa' in the background* "Melaaaaaaaaa"

"Hoy, anong problema? Natuloy siguro yung basketball thing niyo nila Gian noh?"

"Obvious ba? *hollering and laughing in the background* Ano, dude, we're all going to Eastwood tonight. You game?"

"I'd love to! But... I'm flat broke. I'm penniless. I'm poor. I'm--"

"I got the idea. Hmm..."

*pouty voice* "Pano na ko??"

"Hahaha.."

"Tien Pooooo.. libre mo ko?? Pweeeeeasssee"

"Hang on." *in the background: Tien Po= "La siyang pera. Nagpapalibre. *series of incoherent discourse*

"Tien Po?"

"Mels? We've all come to a decision to leave you behind."

"Noooooooooo"

"Kidding. I'll treat you! Eat dinner already though. I'm not that nice."

"I love yah Papa Bear!"

"Yeah, yeah, Gian's gonna be the one to pick you up ah? He's picking up Maggie first though."

"No problem!"

"Okay. Get ready! Bye!"

"Bye!"

At last!!! An escape from sweaty boredom!! I was all dressed and ready by the time Gian's familiar Mercedes Benz honk resonated outside my gate. Maggie was already in the car. I gushed over her newly rebonded hair, teased Gian nonstop and then we were off! *Gian threatened to leave me in the middle of a deserted, unfamiliar street if I didn't shut up*

At Eastwood, I found myself laughing nonstop along with Maggie. The boys looked gross in their after-basketball-garb. Trina was there too but at least she looked decent and clean in her jeans, t-shirt and sneaks. The guys there were Papa Bear, Gian, Jonin, Marlo and Marvin. Haha Man, I was in for a looooong night.

We were supposed to watch John Cena *squeal* in his move The Marine, but, the bowling alley looked so tempting. We ended up playing bowling.

After playing, we went to Jack's loft, had a couple of beers and chicken fingers. Marlo ate coffe-jelly. Everyone was smoking. Well. Except for Marlo, Marvin and me. We all had a good time laughing, telling stories, taunting Gian, teasing Maggie and talking about shrooms and weed.

By the time it was 12am, we trooped towards Something Fishy and indulged ourselves in their breakfast buffet which cost only 84 pesos per head. Hooray! At this time, I was already feeling sad that Josh was't around. Everyone ended up talking about relationships and shit. Well. The conversation revolved primarily around Jonin and Lourdes' love-hate relationship.

And then after more cigarette smoke, laughter, joking around, and Gian-taunting, we all went home.

The day turned out not be completely boring. Haha Thank God for generous, fun friends!

Special thanks to Tien Po, Gian and Jonin for shouldering my expenses!! I love you guys!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:27:55 GMT

Another
way to
die

I feel like wretching.

How come I'm living the life I absolutely dislike? I've always seen myself living in a carefree, multicolored, adventurous life. But now when I look in the mirror... the shade of that dream is slowly fading away. All I see now in my reflection is a tired student painted over by hues of gray and black--colors of monotony and dullness. God... when I look in the mirror, I even see myself in my ward uniform.

I am painfully aware that something in me is dying. But...I can't seem to save it.

Here I am, writhing in artistic agony--frustration and sorrow eating me alive, and I see someone living my life--MY LIFE.

A photographer. Studies in the my dream school.

When I was browsing her work I could feel jealousy eating me alive. Each photograph bore her mark. Her photos are all of family, friends--herself. Each one expressed a certain emotion, a certain desire... She's at the peak of self-expression. Even how she dresses screamed artist.

I'm choking.

That girl is living the life I want.

In hopes of redeeming myself, I tore myself away from the computer and scrambled from my seat to get my colored pens and sheets of blank paper. I made a mess in all the hurry but I didn't care. This was my chance to express myself. God! I felt so much emotion that I was trembling. It's like withdrawal, you know! I'm shaking, shaking... my hands shook, my heart was racing... But as I sat on my bed where I always used to work, I waited in vain for inspiration to come. I closed my eyes, waited for that picture in my head which would best portray how I felt at that very moment. I waited and waited and waited...

It never appeared.

My eyes were now open. I sat there staring at the sheet in my hand.

But I saw nothing.

This was not the first time. Don't think that I didn't try this past year. It was always the same.

I seem to have lost a part of who I am--who I was.

The only things that help me retain the person who I am are the people I love. Because you can't be the person that you are and not love... Does that even make sense??

God. Shoot me.

Kidding.

Resort to hitting me over the head with a frying pan. Or a stethoscope. Whatever.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 09:34:03 GMT

attention pinoys!

Did you know that we rank 41st in science and 42nd in math out of 45 countries?

What do you say about that? Shit right?

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 09:26:59 GMT

Sometimes...
if you concentrate hard enough...
you become deaf to what you don't want to hear.
And the tears stop falling.
Words garble, soften...

Silence in the storm.

But the pain never ends...
You continue to bleed...
Dripping your last drop...

always...
forever...

Because memories just never go away.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 13:25:29 GMT

Have you ever experienced having no fucking idea what you are feeling?

You know... that kind of clueless state when you're so confused that when someone important (you don't lie to people who are important to you) asks you "what's wrong?" your mind goes blank... And your mouth just hangs open--your lips twitching and moving ever so strangely. Words are at the tip of your tongue but no sound seems to escape your wretchedly twitching lips... And then frustration kicks in.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 13:38:58 GMT

It's only the 3rd day of school and yet it feels as if it's like the 3rd month... gah... im in pain...

And my schedule is crap. It's the crappiest of all crappy scheds in this lifetime.

I am ranty about the new grading system too! Wtf? THEY'RE FORCING US TO STUDY MORE THAN WE'RE WILLING TO. Maintaining a standard of excellence my ass...

...85 items? For the first quiz? On the fourth day?

*grumbles morosely while studying*

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 04:56:52 GMT

enrollment & tali blues

Last June 1^st, I went to school because it’s the scheduled date of enrollment for the incoming juniors from the College of Nursing. In my case, however, I only pre-enrolled. *sigh* Tough times, people. Anyway, there I was, standing under the scorching sun… craning my neck every now and then--trying to catch a glimpse of people I know… And then I saw Leana, who in my opinion looked rather radiant if I do say so myself. I told her, “Whoi! Blooming ah!” Instead of complimenting me back *huffhuff* she just gave me THAT sort of naughty smile. You know the almost-secretive-I’m-so-lucky-I-want-to-tell-you-but-guess-first kind of smile. After a few seconds of silence, she couldn’t take it anymore and gushed out her beauty secret. She now has a boyfriend! *clapclapclap* Hurrah Leana! And I told her just that. “Hurrah, Leana!” After a few minutes of catching up, she told me that before I can get in I need to fill out this contract of some sort about random drug testing in the campus. I was somewhat perplexed because… no one really had a choice in the matter. I’m not saying that I’m into drugs or anything… but what about our rights? We have a choice whether we would let ourselves be examined for drug abuse, right? I’m for spontaneity and everything, but random drug testing? Like whimsical student assault? Since this was being forced on us, I unenthusiastically took one of those damned contracts from this rather smug-looking-git of a guard. “Fill up mo yan ha. ‘Di ko kayo papapasukin.” Hello? Like, I already know that! *girl snap* I grudgingly snatched the contract from hell which was printed on this pathetic quality of paper. This is no contract! It’s scratch paper! I wrote as illegibly as I could. Take that pompous school!

As I was venting my anger through writing, I saw my other friends, Gian and Tien Po. Gian did a wutsup pose and said, “Dude! Tali?” Ha? I asked him when. He gave me this incredulous look and told me later this afternoon after enrollment. My jaw dropped because I so totally forgot! And I told him just that. “I forgot!” I then explained to him that I might not be able to go because when I asked my mom last week, she said that she might leave for the states this week so it would be better if I didn’t go this time. Gian clucked and said, “You’ll be absent for the first time!” I sorrowfully agreed and so I glumly bade Leana farewell and then I went past smugly smirking guards. Cheeky slimeballs. And so, the three of us, along with Tien Po’s girlfriend Cait, trudged towards the inexplicably growing line. We were at the very end of the line when we got there, and so we kind of scanned for “line-cutting” possibilities, that is, looking for people who’d let us cut in their spot. I was squinting in the sun when suddenly, I saw the rest of my friends! Trish, Macky, Lourdes, Jonin, Chucky and Bea were waving at me in that beckoning sort of way. I skipped towards them with a squeal and then we had that sort of unintelligible-I-miss-you kind of conversation. Lourdes lost A LOT of weight! I thought she looked amazing. And I told her, “You look amazing!” And the dear angel said, “OMG, you look soooo much like that Korean girl in this telenovela called ‘My Girl’!!” I tittered happily and said that it’s probably because of my new highlights and new hair do. She nodded in agreement. She’s such a dear. Anyway, Macky cut in and said, “Mela! Sama ka sa Tali later diba?” I sadly said I might not be able to. Macky did a victory sort of yell and pointed at Jonin, who, on the other hand, did a dramatic “Nooooooo!” It turned out that the two idiots bet 200 pesos on me. Jonin poutingly explained that he betted that I would go. He was so sure he’d win because I’ve never been absent on a Tali trip before. The very thought was very impossible he added. It was agony. I love going to Tali. And Macky could see my despair and so, being the evil person that he is, he rubbed it in. “Whoa, Mela, Tali is going to be so much fun, as usual! The swimming—the alcohol and ciggies! Plus the cliff! Tsktsktsk, it’s too bad you won’t go!” I wanted to pummel his ridiculously taunting face into the concrete floor. But I didn’t. Instead, I did a morose groan and babbled on how my mom was being so unfair. I even said that even if she let me go, I didn’t have money to go on a Tali trip. They all assured me that money isn’t important. Almost everyone who was going was broke. They all coaxed and pleaded that I go. And then I had a brilliant idea. I forced Macky to call my Mom up and ask if I could go! It was flawless! But Macky turned slightly green. He did it anyway. It was a grueling 3 minute call! In the end, I did my own victory dance! Take that Macky! I texted Josh immediately and told him about Tali. I explained that money was of no consequence because he was broke too.

Ohohohohohohohohohoho! By the time it was 5pm, we were all at Macky’s pad! My mom even paid for our (Josh and mine) grocery and took us to Macky’s house! Ohohohohohoho It was brilliant!

But since this has become a preposterously long entry, I would have to dish out the Tali experience next time!

Til then….

TO BE CONTINUED!