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mems_tralala
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Name: Mela
Location: Manila, Philippines
Interests: tormenting people, cracking corny jokes, complaining, hugging (people i know, mind you), sleeping for 15 hours
Expertise: doodling on notebooks, knotting cherry stems with my tongue, cleaning bathroom tiles, cramming
Occupation: student nurse by day, hustler
Industry: Nursing
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/22/2004
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| A Rant on the
Mystery we call
Love
I am about to write something about the immense, somewhat drugging force we all recognize and know as love.
*heaves a heavy sigh*
I know that a lot of you consider writing anything that pertains to love as a sickening cliche'. However, it must be accepted that it's inevitable for a person not to rant or rave about it because love--as cheesy as this may sound--is at the center of everything.
You see, I am in a predicament. For someone who has read and watched almost a hundred love stories that impart valuable insights as to the truth of love, I still find myself committing god-awful mistakes that lead to countless, mortifying moments where I have hurt the person that I love most.
Some things are TRULY easier said than done.
Fighting is normal. Pfft. I know that! It's supposed to exist in relationship to make it grow. While I'm in the middle of a heated argument with my boyfriend, in my head, I'm going through all of the things I've learned about love and relationships. Forgive. Listen. Be the bigger person. Be selfless. Understand. But, man, in reality, when you're in a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/spouse, you usually forget all logic and rationality. No matter how many times you tell yourself to be cool and to do exactly what must be done in order to communicate effectively, you do exactly the opposite! Why is that?
And let me ask you another question: Why is it sometimes so hard to soften up and yield to the person you love when he/she has already apologized or more significantly, said I love you?
Isn't it that with love, you don't have to say you're sorry? Because love understands? (omg, such cringe-worthy cheesiness)
I know that this doesn't apply to everyone. But personally, it's a big problem that I've come to identify within myself when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. I always hurt him because it takes me so long to forgive him. Whenever he's trying his best to make things better and to appease me, I become such a bitch and say hurtful things even though in my head I'm going, 'Enough! he's sorry already! *swatslapkick* Shut up already and hug him!' It's like my body isn't doing what it's being told... It's effin' insane, man.
What IS up with that? Do I like hurting him? It's insanely horrifying... Because, I know that I really, really love him.
I am so friggin' frustrated. Love is something I still cannot comprehend completely... and yet, here I am saying that I love someone.
OMG... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... my fingers won't stop typing... I must stop... stop... stop now... effin' fingers still typing effin' nonsense....
Ok. This ABRUPTLY ends now.
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| Oh dear...
It's been that long since my last blog?
Well... I do feel the need to rant... but I'm so effin' tired that I can't think straight. Maybe tomorrow....
*returns to fetal position*
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| I think my wound is lucky (I have a nasty deep scratch on my left knee which is a product of a basketball game last, last Sunday). You know why? I played a whole lot better during yesterday's scrimmage game against AB. Which I think is way fabulous due to the fact that I've been feeling a bit blah about basketball. Because of that game (we lost by 3 points though), my whole persepective on being on this team sort of changed... Especially since I've been weighed down by tension caused by my relationship with some of (or is it most?) the team members.
I'm not in the mood to expound on my basketball experiences just yet. It gets me all worked up and upset. Well. Come to think of it... I don't think I get upset over it anymore. Just worked up. Hm. Yeah, worked up is right.
Anyway.
School started yesterday too. And with a pffffffft did it start. It was dreary. And man, the humidity level was off the scale. To make things worse, we went to school at 7AM, waited for our clinical intructor for an hour and a half, played hide and seek with our clinical instructor for a half hour more, and then had a CHN introduction from our infamous clinical intructor for another hour. We thought it would end there but nooooo. We had to go for our courtesy call at the Health District Office at 1pm followed by our area orientation at the Dimasalang Health Center. I mean, normally, I would not be pissed over this, but they told us to go to school at 7AM when we could've just seen each other's happy faces at 1. I mean, we are still adjusting from our altered biological clocks during the semestral break. They should've cut us some slack....
Finally, when the clock struck one, we did our required thing. Perfect timing too 'coz 1-3pm is when the Philippine sun is at it's sunniest, brightest and hottest. We rode a jeepney, walked what feels like a mile, sat in a crowded, stuffy room just to listen to an absolutely horrendous and dull discussion pertaining to District 3's population, rode another jeepney, sat inside a stuffy health center and got oriented with its workings, vision, mission and so on... IT WAS BAD. Things wouldn't have been as excruciatingly horrible if the heat was reduced by 3-5 degrees or so.
I am ranting.
This is my blog and I have the right to say whatever I want.
*poooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt*
You know? I am completely grateful that my second day of school (today, that is) is a whole lot better. I mean, yeah, I'm still tired as hell after but this time we got to do what we paid over 45K to do--TO LEARN and to GAIN EXPERIENCE. We finally got a taste of proper community health nursing. I mean, we've done that before but not we were not as involved in the duties as we were today. We were totally independent from the staff nurses due to the fact that we were up against almost a hundred people in one morning. We did the admitting, the assessing, the cooing over cute baby patients, vaccinating, the whole enchillada. It was fun. We've been more exposed to ward duty and specialized areas like the delivery room and operating room that's why we found public health service refreshing. The noise, the hustle and bustle of irrate, impatient and unreasonable citizens of the economy class tried us to our limits--but as what our clinical instructor advised us, smile (through clenched teeth if you must) and be understanding.
I'm beat. All this typing is giving me a migraine.
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| boredom,
heat,
friends
The other day, I spent an entire day moping about in my room. I was cranky, bored and goddamnit! It was hot as hell!!! I had two electric fans facing me at full blast while religiously fanning myself with a Gundam Wing collector's 8X11 picture card. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that in the afternoon, Josh will come by and keep me company. But alas, after countless of unanswered text messages, I gave the almost-in-trouble guy a call.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three rings. (I was already frowning by this time)
*coughcough* "Hello?"
"Josh??" (high-pitched voice)
"Hi babe.." *sniff*
"How come you weren't texting me?"
"I just woke up... your ringtone woke me up.."
"..You're still coming over right?" (concerned voice)
*coughcough* "I will..."
"You sound like shit though.."
*choked laugh* "Yeah, I do. I think I caught whatever it is JP has... that bastard."
"If you're sick you're staying home."
"....."
"Jose?"
"I was going to argue with you and say,'Noooo I'm coming over no matter what' but shit, I really feel bad, babe... How about I take a nap and then I come over?"
"How about you take a nap, wake up, reflect if you still feel sick, and if yes, you keep your ass on that bed?"
*coughcough* "Can't argue with that.."
"Haha Ok... I'm almost out of load. You sleep ok?"
I hung up after we exchanged our mushy endearments. Haha I'm embarassed to type that down.
ANYWAY.
I was screwed. It seemed that I was destined to spend a boring, hot day all by myself. But then, I had a fantastic idea. I gathered tons of books I haven't read (I didn't have time to catch up on my reading the entire year), dumped the lot on my bed and proceeded to engross myself in literature. To make everything perfect, I grabbed lots of cookies and placed them conveniently by my side.
After 10 pages...
"Taena... ang init!!!"
I was about to throw a fit out of sheer frustration when I noticed that my phone was vibrating. My phone's on vibrate mode? (Josh' voice in my head: "Babe.. you always leave your phone on vibrate mode even though you're done commuting and stuff. No wonder you reply late to everyone.") Sheepishly, I opened my inbox and checked out the 4 unread messages. They were from Gian and Tien Po.
I read Tien Po's first which said: "Dude, call my house ASAP."
Weird. I grabbed the cordless phone, dialled his number and waited for someone to answer it.
*noisy background* "Hello?"
"Hello, good afternoon, may I please speak with JR?"
*giggling and shhhh-ing in the background* "Who's on the line?"
"It's Mela.."
*chorus of 'Melaaa' in the background* "Melaaaaaaaaa"
"Hoy, anong problema? Natuloy siguro yung basketball thing niyo nila Gian noh?"
"Obvious ba? *hollering and laughing in the background* Ano, dude, we're all going to Eastwood tonight. You game?"
"I'd love to! But... I'm flat broke. I'm penniless. I'm poor. I'm--"
"I got the idea. Hmm..."
*pouty voice* "Pano na ko??"
"Hahaha.."
"Tien Pooooo.. libre mo ko?? Pweeeeeasssee"
"Hang on." *in the background: Tien Po= "La siyang pera. Nagpapalibre. *series of incoherent discourse*
"Tien Po?"
"Mels? We've all come to a decision to leave you behind."
"Noooooooooo"
"Kidding. I'll treat you! Eat dinner already though. I'm not that nice."
"I love yah Papa Bear!"
"Yeah, yeah, Gian's gonna be the one to pick you up ah? He's picking up Maggie first though."
"No problem!"
"Okay. Get ready! Bye!"
"Bye!"
At last!!! An escape from sweaty boredom!! I was all dressed and ready by the time Gian's familiar Mercedes Benz honk resonated outside my gate. Maggie was already in the car. I gushed over her newly rebonded hair, teased Gian nonstop and then we were off! *Gian threatened to leave me in the middle of a deserted, unfamiliar street if I didn't shut up*
At Eastwood, I found myself laughing nonstop along with Maggie. The boys looked gross in their after-basketball-garb. Trina was there too but at least she looked decent and clean in her jeans, t-shirt and sneaks. The guys there were Papa Bear, Gian, Jonin, Marlo and Marvin. Haha Man, I was in for a looooong night.
We were supposed to watch John Cena *squeal* in his move The Marine, but, the bowling alley looked so tempting. We ended up playing bowling.
After playing, we went to Jack's loft, had a couple of beers and chicken fingers. Marlo ate coffe-jelly. Everyone was smoking. Well. Except for Marlo, Marvin and me. We all had a good time laughing, telling stories, taunting Gian, teasing Maggie and talking about shrooms and weed.
By the time it was 12am, we trooped towards Something Fishy and indulged ourselves in their breakfast buffet which cost only 84 pesos per head. Hooray! At this time, I was already feeling sad that Josh was't around. Everyone ended up talking about relationships and shit. Well. The conversation revolved primarily around Jonin and Lourdes' love-hate relationship.
And then after more cigarette smoke, laughter, joking around, and Gian-taunting, we all went home.
The day turned out not be completely boring. Haha Thank God for generous, fun friends!
Special thanks to Tien Po, Gian and Jonin for shouldering my expenses!! I love you guys!
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| Another
way to
die
I feel like wretching.
How come I'm living the life I absolutely dislike? I've always seen myself living in a carefree, multicolored, adventurous life. But now when I look in the mirror... the shade of that dream is slowly fading away. All I see now in my reflection is a tired student painted over by hues of gray and black--colors of monotony and dullness. God... when I look in the mirror, I even see myself in my ward uniform.
I am painfully aware that something in me is dying. But...I can't seem to save it.
Here I am, writhing in artistic agony--frustration and sorrow eating me alive, and I see someone living my life--MY LIFE.
A photographer. Studies in the my dream school.
When I was browsing her work I could feel jealousy eating me alive. Each photograph bore her mark. Her photos are all of family, friends--herself. Each one expressed a certain emotion, a certain desire... She's at the peak of self-expression. Even how she dresses screamed artist.
I'm choking.
That girl is living the life I want.
In hopes of redeeming myself, I tore myself away from the computer and scrambled from my seat to get my colored pens and sheets of blank paper. I made a mess in all the hurry but I didn't care. This was my chance to express myself. God! I felt so much emotion that I was trembling. It's like withdrawal, you know! I'm shaking, shaking... my hands shook, my heart was racing... But as I sat on my bed where I always used to work, I waited in vain for inspiration to come. I closed my eyes, waited for that picture in my head which would best portray how I felt at that very moment. I waited and waited and waited...
It never appeared.
My eyes were now open. I sat there staring at the sheet in my hand.
But I saw nothing.
This was not the first time. Don't think that I didn't try this past year. It was always the same.
I seem to have lost a part of who I am--who I was.
The only things that help me retain the person who I am are the people I love. Because you can't be the person that you are and not love... Does that even make sense??
God. Shoot me.
Kidding.
Resort to hitting me over the head with a frying pan. Or a stethoscope. Whatever.
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